SIMPLE ENGLISH IS OH SO TOUGH.

Normally my wife doesn’t disturb me when I am blogging. Here the operative word is normal. As common sense is so uncommon normal things don’t happen everyday.

Today my wife came to me looking over my shoulder to ensure that I didn’t write any uncomplimentary things about her.

My repeated assurances to her that I always wrote nice things about her and how I felt happy when I lost my heart for her fell on deaf ears. It made me wonder whether women have selective hearing impairment or it was a special trait of my wife of 42 years.

As she tried to take her seat next to me she found the chair laden with heavy and voluminous books which irritated her. Always on a short fuse she picked up the thick volumes and started to throw them out of the window. It needed all my reflexes and cricketing skills to catch them before sailing out of the window. I couldn’t conceal my anger but had no guts to show it either.

“What are all these big books occupying a lot of space doing here?”

“They are Dictionaries of different kinds, Thesaurus etc.”

“Why do you need them anyway? You have been writing for donkey’s years.”

“For writing my daily blogs. All my readers are very erudite and if I commit any faux pas they will haul me over the coals. So I need these dictionaries to check very often that the spelling and the usage of the word is correct.”

“Precisely that is the reason these books must disappear from here.” She picked the second big dictionary to hurl it out.

“Stop it. You are being difficult and seem to be in a mood to fight. Did you get down from the wrong side of the bed or did you have nightmares?”

“No I’m having nightmares now.”

“Why at this time of the morning? You seem to be transmitting them to me.”

“I thought you were clever but I have to revise my estimate now. Have you ever thought of the style and substance while writing?”

“Of course but I have my own style of writing. As in dress, drinking and life style I like to maintain some style in my writing too.”

“That is the problem with you. You pay more attention to style and less to substance. It is very simple. If you use a word/phrase/idiom only after checking the dictionary for its spelling and correct usage, the reader also will have to go through the same process to find the correct meaning and check the idiomatic or idiotic use of the word. You are straightaway putting your reader at a great disadvantage. Now I know why others don’t read your blogs and comment.”

“Hear, hear. You are all wit and wisdom today.”

“Instead of making fun of me why don’t you get your basics right? Why don’t you write simple English which is not difficult for others to read and understand without referring to the dictionary and Thesaurus and pack it with good substance?”

“Now you are talking sense. It is not a bad idea. In fact I always wanted to write simple English but reading the other blogs I thought that I would also indulge in verbal callisthenics.”

“Again you are using big words. Now I am going to lock up all dictionaries and Thesaurus in my room and leave you to write in simple English.”

As she left I felt like a sailor who survived a storm and started my work in peace and right earnest.

But the keyboard remained idle and didn’t move. My fingers used to dancing on the keyboard seemed to have suffered a stroke and remained paralysed. The monitor remained blank and the cursor kept flashing challenging me to write.

My wife seemed to have cast an evil spell on me or requested many Gods that she prays to everyday to put a curse on my communication skills.

I remained glued to my seat with vacuous looks trying to form some simple sentences on a topic I had in my mind. I invoked the blessings of writers like RK Narayan to write simple English without any compound sentences and fancy expressions. I called all the Gods who I sent several applications to earlier. Instead of helping me they seemed to have taken the opportunity to wreak vengeance on me for mocking at them. Perhaps they wanted me to stew in my own remorse. Even when I swore not to make fun of them they refused to help. The screen remained blank.

All I tried to do was to write a blog in simple English understandable even to a panchavi pass kid.

I quietly took out the carefully hidden bottle of B/L and had a swig to kick start the writing. I got the kick alright but no writing followed. It then dawned on me that writing simple English is not at all that easy and perhaps the most difficult task.

I used gentle persuasion with my wife who after a couple of hours relented and returned my books.

The very presence of the three lexicons, Thesaurus and the books “How to write better and speak better” and “The right word at the right time” provided the inspiration and the long awaited kick. All my fingers started firing on all cylinders. They changed gears fast and revved up. The thoughts flowed; the words came first in torrents and then like a deluge and the syntax arranged itself.

By the time my wife returned half an hour later I finished a blog of more than 1K words in my usual style.

She looked at the screen and appreciated what I wrote but asked me to yield place for her.

I then realised that all along I underestimated her as I watched her pruning the blog deftly deleting many sentences, fancy expressions and turns of the phrase that I always fancied, hurting my pride and finally adding few sentences. I couldn’t deny that she finally made the blog simple and eminently readable.

She left me to wonder whether writing simple English is difficult or stylish English with difficult words simple.