MAY I BORROW………?

Thanks to my training in the Navy as an officer I prepared check lists for all events and possible contingencies in my life. While preparing the checklists I took into consideration all probable and possible things that were likely to happen. Even for proceeding ashore in the big beautiful Bombay I had a check list which reads as follows.

1. Wallet with some loose change.

2. Wrist watch.

3. Handkerchief with a few drops of eau-de-cologne

4. Cigarette packet and lighter

5. Identity card

6. Packet of condoms.

7. A set of pen and pencil.

8. Any special item for the event

Before leaving the ship I used to carry out this eight point check changing the order depending on my plan for the occasion.

I kept the Identity Card the most important item as its loss would have got me into a lot of trouble in a laminated form and attached  it to a strong Nylon thread long enough to go round my neck and all the way down to the trouser. I had to take this precaution because of repeated warnings of senior officers that the smart Bombayites (the word Mumbaikars was not even conceived in 1960) would steal anything including virginity given even a quarter of chance.

Gentlemen were not supposed to carry change in those days but absence of change got me into a tricky situation once. The condoms and the Identity card complemented each other as I was advised by none other than our Admiral that in Bombay there would be every chance for me to get into situations either to show the one or use the other.

I didn’t like putting all my eggs in one basket and used to carry the cash in two parts; one in the wallet and the other in a concealed pocket in the trouser. As an added precaution I used to carry a dummy wallet with all news paper pieces stuffed to make it look big. To serve this purpose I always made sure that all my trousers had two pockets and strong buttons to secure their flaps. I used to change the positions of the real and dummy wallets to confuse any possible purse watcher. Since the other items had relatively less importance I paid no particular attention to their place and method of securing.

Today I am proud to say that thanks to this meticulous preparation I never lost any money anywhere in the world till date although I went all over and around the world.

On return to my ship, home or hearth I invariably found some item or other missing. Some missing items gave me pleasure and some pain. I then would check stocks and make a note to replenish the missing items ASAP if required.

The most often lost item used to be the pen for in many places someone or other used to accost me “May I borrow your pen sir?”

It would be most un-gentlemanly to refuse such a simple request and when put so politely and impossible if such a request had come from the fairer sex. If the questioner happened to be good looking girl or lady it provided a promise of immense possibilities and looked like the stuff that dreams were made off.

I invariably obliged but many a time it was the last time I saw it again. This was mostly due to the reluctance of the borrowers to return it to the rightful owner. In some cases it was due to my kindness or weakness towards the fairer sex to demand the return of it. Such cases were more than few.

On a solitary occasion I found a chap who had borrowed my pen in a bank going past me nonchalantly holding my pen in his hand openly and brazenly. When I asked him politely to return it he took offence and asked me loudly why I was so possessive of a simple thing like a pen and whether it was of gold. I sprinted after him and caught him by the collar just as he was getting into an expensive car and retrieved it much to the amusement of everyone in the bank. To add insult to injury I told him that I was a smuggler and had diamonds hidden inside. That took the wind off his sails and he told his driver to drive away fast and get him out of the clutches of a good looking underworld don. Thereafter I made it a point never to lend my pen to anyone. “It is a Parker you know.” I used to say with deadpan face. To my surprise I found even that didn’t deter some habitual and determined borrowers. They used to cringe but still extend their hand promising to return it without fail in two minutes.  More often than not the two minutes used to stretch to a couple of hours sometimes even forcing me to abandon my hopes of seeing it again.

I always wondered whether there was a great shortage of pens in the country.

The next item that people often tried to borrow from me was cash ranging from a tenner to a hundred. One had the temerity to borrow only to go and play rummy in the club. When he lost badly I gained in that I had one less prospective borrower. I always quoted Shakespeare to them “Never a lender or borrower be, for the loan itself and a friend.” My friends learning my wisdom refrained from borrowing even a cigarette thereafter. In the bargain I acquired a reputation as a miser but I let it pass.

The handkerchief used to come handy for many tasks especially in respect of nubile girls to help them either in distress or in the aftermath of pleasure.

Despite all my precautions I lost a very precious thing, my heart but only once. That is the only loss for which I have no regrets but tons of happiness.